I’m not ashamed but I warned you
please don’t ask me to forget you, my love
This is not a superficial game

Displaced again.  Another burnt bridge.  On another sinking ship.

I woke up today in absolute terror.  Everyone hated me.  No one wanted me around.  I’ve been unassumingly laying the groundwork for this my entire life.  I had to go.

It reminds me of a movie I saw last year.  Ben Foster starred as a person who couldn’t stay still.  He was leaving place after place.  He even had a daughter.  I don’t remember the movie.

I’m scared to death.  I don’t think I’m on the right medication.  And I know it’s chemical.  I can’t be any healthier physically.  I’m not drinking.  I’m not doing drugs.  I take my medication like clockwork.

It really doesn’t make a fucking difference.  I’m a victim of the times and civilization.  Life has to get better.  If I talked to a mental health professional all they’re going to try and do it help me adapt to a bent equilibrium.  That doesn’t sound so bad on paper.  But I’d rather bend fucking reality and make it not such an impossible life for those of us who came into it without the proper tools to negotiate it.

How do I deal with this?  I’m too old to be relevant anymore.  I’m too irrelevant to be relevant.  I can’t contribute.  All I have are these words.

What really sucks is I’m one of the lucky ones.  And I’m thankful as hell.  I’m currently in limbo.  I have no home.  And I know that the next place I end up will be my permanent one.  It’s the only option.  I can’t keep on running.  From nothing.  My own sick self.  I psychologically manufacture all these horrible scenarios.

I belong somewhere with people around to remind me everything is actually quiet when the sky starts leering and the flowers become screams.  I can’t survive on my own.  Survival for the sake of survival has lost its appeal.  I so badly pine for sanctuary.  And I don’t even know what it feels like.  But I know I’m on the right path.  I’ve left ideal living situations before to go be a love white knight or chase a musical dream.  Not again.

For now I’ll just sit in the dead zone until I happen upon my final home.