This is a strange time.  Things are looking up.  I’m managing to keep a part time job with people I really like.  They seem to have compassion, and understanding.  I think that’s what a lot of people in the world need.  Some people need to be shown a different way.

I want to do better.  But I find that I’m being haunted by a very formidable shadow.  It will walk with me until I die.

Please believe me when I say that I wish I could die for something good.  I wish I could change the world.

I have to try.  There’s little I can do, but I can do my best.  Not because everything will get better.  But because it’s my best and I feel fucking obligated to do my best.

If I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry.  You best believe I am.  I’m sorry and feel shitty for every shitty thing I’ve ever done.  The only way I can prove it is by changing my behaviour.

I’m sorry Martine.  I’m sorry Riley.  Veronica.  Emily.  Brandon.  Amy.  Michele.  Priscilla.  Erika.  Chris.

I don’t have the courage to kill myself.  I know that my death would bring you all peace.

But I’m stuck here.  All I have left is to do better.

Three days ago I was thankful to be alive.  Then it all came crashing down.  I was instantly faced with an incandescent reality.

I’m not unwell.  This isn’t mental illness talking.  This is a lucid mind that is just becoming aware.

Best foot forward.  I have to do better.

And I will